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I started this blog ¹ with the title “Recovering Lutheran: Here I Stand” as a way of assisting me in my recovery from lifelong Lutheranism. Actually, I also needed to recover from lifelong Protestantism, volunteerism, and church membership as a generalized principle.

Why I needed to recover is one of the topics explored here. I donated literally thousands and thousands of hours to the work of the church, serving as a musician and worship leader, website creator and administrator, Sunday School teacher, church council member, call committee member, and newsletter editor, just for starters. I was also a paid part-time staff member for many years.

Churches are man-made institutions, erected, populated, and managed by “weak, puny, and sinful” (Martin Luther’s words) human beings. Therefore, churches are inherently flawed organizations.

That being understood, I, however, had the misfortune of belonging for a good number of years to a toxic congregation led by a noxious pastor. ² I left that congregation — and organized religion as a whole — when I knew that to sit in a pew and allow that individual to preach a sermon to me would constitute an act of extreme self-loathing.

The typical weekly “pewsitter” doesn’t figure out the inner machinations and congregational politics. But I did.

I might have stayed there indefinitely and blindly had I not had the (good) misfortune of becoming so active in various ways that I was able to see how things really worked. I’m finding over time that I stand in good company among former members of various organized religions in making that claim.

I can’t say that I wasn’t warned. I was told that NP and I would eventually clash as a result of his management and leadership style. Specifically, I was advised not to agree to serve on the church council because I am nobody’s “yes man” but the council members are picked for the purpose of being just that. Basically, the council exists to rubber stamp his decisions, ideas and agenda. The speakers turned out to be right in saying “[t]his is not God’s church, it is [NP's].” I neither believed nor heeded those warnings, to my own detriment.

I should have left more than three years earlier than I did. At that time, it became clear to me that, as evidenced by his teaching and writing on the question of whether or not gay persons should be ordained and married by the church, not to mention the mindset of the majority of my fellow parishioners, homophobia ran rampant there. Moreover, women occupied what should have been positions of authority and leadership, but were empowered with and exercised neither. Upon closer examination, it was clear that they were just tools to assure adoption of NP’s agenda.

And in retrospect, I can now identify many other times when I should have had the courage to leave. But I didn’t. Shame on me.

I kept trying to “make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” I tried in vain to find fulfillment, inspiration, and meaning in the countless worship services I led or participated in — to no avail. I tried to feel better about things by serving more and more and more . . . giving not just my time, my talent, my intellect, my leadership, but, eventually, my physical health, as well.

Finally, after I spent more than a year praying the same questions over and over — “Why do I feel this way? What should I do?” — the situation came to a head. The Holy Spirit was in control, of course, and dictated the timing of my enlightenment and departure.

So, like Martin Luther, “here I stand” because I took a stand after intense, prayerful discernment. The Divine Creator ³ answered my prayers, telling me, “Go to that church council meeting and speak the truth as I have revealed it to you.” I had no idea that NP had been manipulating people and the situation behind the scenes. I was totally duped. And I fully admit that I did not see it coming. The facts lead to one incontrovertible conclusion, however: I was played skillfully, artfully, “like a bass fiddle.” I was completely blindsided, ambushed.

As I sat there in a state of utter “shock and awe,” I was viciously, savaging attacked by another member of the church council who screamed at me from the other end of the conference table (and I am paraphrasing), “Who are you to think that you know more than Pastor ____? You need to go along with what he is recommending because he is the pastor and he knows best. If that’s what he says we should do, that’s what we should do.” [4.Refer to discussion above about the handpicked Church Council.]

Worse, as he attacked me, all the other members of the council sat silent, letting his tirade go on.

And worse still, the NP sat silent and, as the council member was spewing his venom at me, I was busy studying NP’s face. He was smirking.

He did not stand and assert his authority, as the pastor, to get the meeting back under control. He did not admonish the council member attacking me to stop, call for a break, direct that we all take a deep breath and pray before the meeting went any further, or take any other action that one would expect from a pastor.

And at that moment, I recognized the spirit that was controlling that meeting. I knew its name and face because I have seen it before in other circumstances. I have stared it down in other situations and come out victorious.

All was revealed to me. I knew to the core of my being that evil was dwelling in that place at that time, controlling that meeting. I heard the Holy Spirit again whisper to me, “Do not cast your pearls before swine! ((It had been showing me that verse for weeks, but I was trying to ignore it.)) Your intellect, your leadership, your time, your talents are all wasted here. Go now!”

I got up quietly, walked out of the meeting and will never again set foot in that building.

Undoubtedly, someone has made a remark to you that hurt your feelings. Hurtful comments not only make us feel bad, but also cause us to question why the speaker would make the remark. They cause us to ask ourselves, “Am I really . . . ?” or “Do I really . . .?” Thus, the hurt caused by the remark sometimes leads to introspection, self-evaluation and, perhaps, an admission that, although the act of making the comment was out of line, there is a small ring of truth to some part of it. Such incidents bring self-awareness that allows us to grow into better, stronger human beings.

But there are other times when a person says something that seems, at first blush, to be cruel and hurtful. Yet, upon closer examination, it is clear that the comment is not an accurate statement about the person being discussed, but reveals volumes about the speaker’s personal characteristics such as integrity, veracity, egocentrism, and, oftentimes, reflects an inner lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Sometimes such comments are so patently outrageous and ridiculous that the intended victim and others can only laugh at their absurdity.

So it was with the parting shot fired at me by the aforementioned former pastor.

As I was taking my leave, he wrote me an e-mail in which he declared that he was “at an end of patience with the negative and disruptive spirit you bring.” ⁴

Upon seeing those words — in an e-mail, ⁵ no less — I sat in stunned disbelief for a few moments. And then I began laughing. And every time I look at them, I laugh again, heartily and with the kind of freedom, relief, and abandon that only someone who has been imprisoned for a very long time can appreciate.

It is as though the Holy Spirit is sitting on my shoulder like Jiminy Crickett, saying, “See, I told you to get out of there. Now aren’t you glad you finally listened to me?” When I tell people what he said to me, their mouths drop open and they say, “The pastor said that? Boy, did you make the right decision!”

Since I had already left, his parting shot was “too little, too late” and obviously intended to viciously cut me to the core of my being. The arrow flew far past the target, though. I summoned all of my energy to strive for a “win-win” resolution for all concerned, while the pastor shrewdly manipulated the situation, sabotaging my efforts and scapegoating me in order to turn other church members against me and assure the adoption of his agenda.

Sadly, he had done that many times in many situations over the course of several years. I did not want to see it. But now I have no choice but to see fully.

In the end, I finally had to accept that banging my head against the wall of the sanctuary (ironic name for that cold, cold room) over and over was destined only to get me yet another bloody forehead.

He also accused me of bringing his “integrity into question.” When I found myself replying to his e-mail, declaring that his words and deeds were, in my estimation, completely lacking integrity, the undoing of our association was sealed.

Anyone who refuses to stand silent in the face of wrongdoing, hurtful behavior, injustice or even plain, old-fashioned stupidity and short-sightedness must be prepared to be fired upon. I’ve been in that situation countless times before and have frequently been the person who breaks loose from the mob mentality and gets tagged a “trouble-maker,” “agitator,” “bad actor,” “instigator,” “nuisance,” and, in cruder, street-like jargon, the “shit disturber” or “pain in the ass.”

Thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, my integrity, feelings of self-worth, and self-esteem were never in jeopardy and remain intact today. I have the “peace that passes understanding” about all of it. I followed my conscience, asserted my belief in equality and justice for all persons in all things, and utilized my God-given intellect to conduct my own analysis of the issues and reach my own conclusions, irrespective of the choices that would have made me popular and part of the clique.

If that means that I have or am, in his or anyone else’s eyes, a “negative and disruptive spirit,” I am more than happy to wear that mantle.

The fact that a pastor could make such a statement to a loyal member of his/her congregation who had donated many years of faithful, devoted service to the church merely confirmed the correctness of the decision I had made several days earlier to depart. First of all, he did not live up to the unequivocal responsibilities imposed upon him by the church’s constitution and bylaws, making no attempt to follow the conflict resolution guidelines set forth there in order to achieve peace, reconciliation and healing for all concerned, as is mandated by the church’s governing documents.

Beyond those formalities, however . . . any pastor who repeatedly scapegoats a member of his/her flock because that individual speaks the truth as he/she understands it and will not condone behavior or decisions which he/she genuinely believes are not in the best interest of the congregation or membership should, in my opinion, find another line of work.

And under no circumstances can such an individual stand in a pulpit and preach to me.

So here I stand, ready and eager to explore my faith as the Holy Spirit reveals what it has in store for me.

This blog is one of the tools I am using to facilitate and document that process. I invite you to join me on the journey. Feel free to leave comments detailing your own experiences — positive or negative — with organized religion. ⁶